Monday, December 12, 2011

A Cliche

Well here I am again typing. I don't really know what is that I want to type in this white box but I have that feeling that there's something I need to get out of my brain. The best things always come to me when there's nothing specific already in my head that I want to write or type out but when I sit there with a blank piece of paper or a blank screen in front of me knowing there's something that needs to be said and just letting it all pour out with out over thinking it. It's something I rarely achieve and find incredibly difficult in fact I'm over thinking right now and I'm over thinking admitting that I'm over thinking. Definitely a vicious cycle... 

It's been a really interesting weekend. It's always a mixed bag. You have to have your bad with your good. Your smarties with your twix.

I ran a 5k this weekend and came in 3rd in my division. I was shocked. I went to Cracker Barrel instead of staying for the awards ceremony. When I came back to see my friend's mother finish the marathon, I checked the 5k results list. I was extremely surprised and ecstatic! I started running a little over a year ago on a whim, decided I really liked it and that was that, I kept running. It was not something I ever considered myself very good at. Then yesterday happened. My time was 28:51 running around a 9:17 mile. My goal was to come in at 30 minutes or under. 

Sometimes everything I write feels like a cliche. I have pressed the backspace button many times over the past few minutes trying to figure out how to say this without sounding cliche, so just bear with me for the next paragraph while I sound like the typical protagonist from any coming of age book you pull off the shelf at Barnes & Noble. 

Lately everything I thought I knew has been shaken. All the things I'd given myself permission not to be good at I tried and discovered I was good. The way I thought I could make myself feel, I couldn't force myself to feel anymore. I did the things I never thought I would or could do. I should feel empowered. I don't. Because not all of that is good. I couldn't do some of the things I thought I could. I tried so hard to mask my feelings and make them not exist so long, I thought I was doing great, it was all ok, those feelings didn't exist anymore. I lied to myself without realizing I was lying. Then I started to realize the truth and then I lied to myself some more and until I finally I couldn't do it anymore. I realized what everyone around me seemed to have known much longer than I had. And then with some encouragement acted upon those feelings and hurt someone close to me who had encouraged me to do the very thing that hurt her. Because she had been lying to herself too. This probably doesn't make much sense to whoever is reading this, it doesn't make much sense to me either. It's a complicated situation that still isn't over. I'm dealing with the aftermath now. It seems to have gone on forever though it has only been a year and a half since it all started. I've had breaks from dealing with it and a long time when I wasn't even consciously aware this whole problem existed. But when I look back now I see all the signs and understand why I acted the way I did.

Now dealing with the aftermath, I feel like I've tried every possible thing. I've failed to do what I should have done though I'm not even sure what that is. I've got one thing left and I feel it's the thing to do. Nothing I've tried has made me feel right. So at this point what have I got to lose? All I have left is confrontation. I have to make this conversation happen because the person I have to talk to won't. At this point I don't know if the person is too scared or just doesn't care to deal with it or maybe a combination of both. But I have to do this. 
Confrontation: A word hate. I don't know when or how but I will. I love running when it's hard, if the run has been too easy and I've already reached my goal then I add another 1/4 or 1/2 mile. It needs to be at least a little difficult to be fun. It seems twisted. But really where is the fun and satisfaction in doing something easy? Pushing your limits and accomplishing something hard, that is empowering. So I will view this situation in the same way, the same way I view training for the upcoming 10k. 

Now to make this even more cliche, I feel I must disclose this whole situation, confrontation, drama, etc.: All over a boy. 
How's that for a coming of age book? 
Yep, I know it's been written thousands of times before.
Definitely a cliche.

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