Wednesday, April 18, 2012


      A List of Things I'm Looking Forward to About Getting Home.

       In no particular order...

  • Wearing shorts, tee shirts, and sandals again, everyday. 
  • Also my heels... My beautiful heels....
  • Trips to the beach with the besties!
  • Checking things off our bucket list.
  • Sleeping in my own bed with Porky. I miss that guy...
  • Buying a pet turtle. It's been something like three years since my hamster died. I think it's time to move on...
  • Cleaning up the beach and washing cars with the Student Council.
  • Doing this to my hair. :)
  • Baking again! My pinterest is covered in recipes that I've been dying to try for the past 3 weeks. Also thinking of trying some baking with amaranth flour. 
  • Easier access to Caffeine (It's that revered that it requires capitalization of the first letter.)
  • Some relaxed summer wardrobe shopping.
  • Finding out what play I'll be spending my summer rehearsing and performing.
  • Getting back to running every morning, and working out my arms and abs with my buddies. I want a 4-pack!!
  • Being able to blast my music while doing boring tasks.
  • Smashing all my junk from this trip into my Smash Book.
  • Wednesday nights at Palm Valley.
  • Leaving home again for SC camp at Mo Ranch!

Sunday, April 8, 2012

It started out as the sound a bird makes

Sometimes I just sit back and realize how much I love my life.
It's not perfect and it never will be.
But I'm so blessed with a knowledge of God and am surrounded with people who love me.

There will always be those who are rude and mean and just plain don't give a darn about anyone else.

To them I say, I'm sorry.

I don't know what your life is like.
I don't why you are the way you are.
Maybe you've had it rough.
We all have.
I'll do whatever I can to be a friend.
But I am choosing not to let your rudeness and careless actions change the way I look at my life and my relationships with others.

I am very fortunate.
I always know that if I look hard enough I can find someone who cares about me and who will listen.
I don't know if you have that...
So I'm trying to cut you some slack.
I don't know what to think of you.
I don't which of your words to believe.

So I guess I'm saying in a way that I'm done with you.
Because trust is the foundation that this life of mine is built upon.
And I don't trust you.
I don't trust you at all.
You've screwed me over just a few too many times.
You're out of chances.

At any point over the past ten months you could have had me.
If you would have pulled it together, I was as good as yours.

There are three words, all monosyllables, that I've denied over and over again.
Partially because I am confused.
But I finally admitted to myself that those three words were true.
It seems such a waste that the honor would go to you.
Unfortunately those words might still be true.
I hope that they fade and I hope that you do too.

But there's still that nagging feeling that, you and I?
We're not quite through.

And in some ways that makes me happy and in a lot of ways that makes me sad.
Leading to this confused state that follows me from state to state.
2000 miles, 3  1/2 miles, makes no difference.
It's not worth the effort.
My surroundings are so different, inside my head it's so the same.
Vegetarianism can be a lonely lane.

So at this point there's not a lot left to say.

It's 3 in the morning my time, it's 2 where you lay.
Your  voice is a distant memory, your voicemail is nothing like you sound today.
So I guess I lost control again.
And I guess I don't care enough to get it back.
Today is a holiday, so I guess that I'll pretend not to wait.
We'll see, I guess, what becomes of us, but we'll be coming separately.
That's the one guard rail to which I will concede.

As for everything else I guess we'll jump off the cliff and see.
But I've got a feeling that you've got a parachute and I've got a pair of floaties.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Chapter Two

So here we are. 
This is the second installment in my blackout poem series. 
This is the second time I've tried to write this post. 
The first time I kept backspacing, rewriting.... It just didn't feel right. I wasn't ready. I couldn't find a way to say what I wanted to say, it felt untrue, and I just got really frustrated and sleepy, so I went to bed.
 A lot has changed in the short time since the 28th of January. 
I've had some triumphs, I've had some failures, there's been plenty of disappointment, and more reminders that life is unfair. 
I've had my fun and I've played some games. I've gone back and forth, but I've made some decisions. 
And while there are still many words unsaid and decisions left unmade, and the decisions that have been made aren't necessarily final, I'm happy to leave them that way....
I suppose they'll all join me somewhere along the way...
Because I think that now I can safely say - I am ready to open Chapter Two.

The impact has been made, my choices and experiences will follow me, but I'm curious to see how the rest of 2012 will shape my story.

It's never to late to start something new. 
Whenever you're ready chapter two is waiting for you.

An Anecdote

Scene: Dining room table. 
Mom: Flipping through seed catalog. 
Me: Glued to Pinterest. 
*Starts to quietly sing* 'I remember, I remember when I lost my mind.... There was something so pleasant about that place... Even your emotions have an echo In so much space.... And I think it's crazy... Yeah I think you're crazy...' 
Mom interrupts: Where did you get that song? 
Me: It's 'Crazy' by Gnarls Barkley.... Look. *Plays song on laptop* 

30 seconds later.... 

Mom picks up seed catalog and leaves room. 
Me: Wait are you leaving because of the song?
Mom: ...... no.......

I love my mom. :)

Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Black Out

So around two weeks ago I finally tried blackout poetry inspired by the amazing Austin Kleon. My sister got one of his prints for Christmas and since I haven't written any poetry of my own for months and I can't think of anywhere near by busy enough for me to try street poetry which is what I really want to try out... The inspiration came at a good time. 
And actually it's crazy fun! It's poetry without the usual process of adding and subtracting, exchanging, moving around, and switching of order of words until it's perfect, because all the words are already there you need only subtract. Which is fantastic since I always preferred subtraction to addition in grade school math!
Not every poem is award winning material but if nothing else it's a great creative exercise with sometimes pretty amusing or even beautiful results.
So over the next few days/weeks/months I'll be posting some of my favorite/most legible blackout poems. 

Here is one that I think all coffee lovers/tired people in general can relate to.

Now go find yourself a sharpie and an old harlequin (I'll save the back story on why I own several old harlequin romance novels for another post) and you can have just as much fun as me! 

(Unless of course you're one of those people who thinks scribbling all over any written work no matter the subject matter or weight is a crime...)

(If that's you, you probably aren't going to like my blog very much.... Well thanks for stopping by anyway! No hard feelings, right?)

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Photographs, Moving Pictures And Various Other Happy Happenings

Well that last post certainly went an interesting direction. Not the post I expected when I started typing. I think this blog needs to be a happier place... So picture time! These pictures are happy because most of the weekend I actually was happy, there was just also some stress, frustration, annoyance, and confusion going on too. Like I said - mixed bag. But if all goes as hoped I see the end of my main source of annoyance and confusion coming soon. Another source will then replace it, I'm sure, since this is life after all. But I'm ok with that, I'm just bored and tired of this one.

Soo..... Here are some pictures, a video, and a list of some of my favorite inspirational blogs that help me feel better when the annoyance and confusion is just too great! Haha Enjoy!

With my running hero: She's a Boston Marathon qualifier, and my best friend's mom.

At the finish line with friends. We all made great times. Kyrstie and I both PR'd!

Right after finishing the race. And the only picture from the day I look decent in. :P

A video from the race:
You can see me heading toward the finish line at 3:21.

And finally the list of blogs:
Owl City Blog (I'm not so secretly in love Adam Young)
Richellephant Loves (Every post is beautifully written and inspiring)
A Cup Of Jo (Always interesting topics being discussed and her weekend link lists are fantastic)

Also an extra picture! Taken last Wednesday with my adorable pretend nephew who bears a strong resemblance to the gerber baby. Because who doesn't love the gerber baby?

The song playing on my mp3 player when I crossed the finish line on Sunday.

Three more happy things:
1.Finished the last of my Christmas shopping today
2.Decorated tree #2 tonight
3. A quote found via Richelle"People are often unreasonable and self-centered. Forgive them anyway. If you are kind, people may accuse you of ulterior motives. Be kind anyway. If you are honest, people may cheat you. Be honest anyway. If you find happiness, people may be jealous. Be happy anyway. The good you do today may be forgotten tomorrow. Do good anyway. Give the world the best you have, and it may never be enough. Give your best anyway." - Mother Teresa

Ok I should go to sleep now so I don't wake up at 3:30 tomorrow afternoon like I did today.
Thank you God for Christmas break.

Monday, December 12, 2011

A Cliche

Well here I am again typing. I don't really know what is that I want to type in this white box but I have that feeling that there's something I need to get out of my brain. The best things always come to me when there's nothing specific already in my head that I want to write or type out but when I sit there with a blank piece of paper or a blank screen in front of me knowing there's something that needs to be said and just letting it all pour out with out over thinking it. It's something I rarely achieve and find incredibly difficult in fact I'm over thinking right now and I'm over thinking admitting that I'm over thinking. Definitely a vicious cycle... 

It's been a really interesting weekend. It's always a mixed bag. You have to have your bad with your good. Your smarties with your twix.

I ran a 5k this weekend and came in 3rd in my division. I was shocked. I went to Cracker Barrel instead of staying for the awards ceremony. When I came back to see my friend's mother finish the marathon, I checked the 5k results list. I was extremely surprised and ecstatic! I started running a little over a year ago on a whim, decided I really liked it and that was that, I kept running. It was not something I ever considered myself very good at. Then yesterday happened. My time was 28:51 running around a 9:17 mile. My goal was to come in at 30 minutes or under. 

Sometimes everything I write feels like a cliche. I have pressed the backspace button many times over the past few minutes trying to figure out how to say this without sounding cliche, so just bear with me for the next paragraph while I sound like the typical protagonist from any coming of age book you pull off the shelf at Barnes & Noble. 

Lately everything I thought I knew has been shaken. All the things I'd given myself permission not to be good at I tried and discovered I was good. The way I thought I could make myself feel, I couldn't force myself to feel anymore. I did the things I never thought I would or could do. I should feel empowered. I don't. Because not all of that is good. I couldn't do some of the things I thought I could. I tried so hard to mask my feelings and make them not exist so long, I thought I was doing great, it was all ok, those feelings didn't exist anymore. I lied to myself without realizing I was lying. Then I started to realize the truth and then I lied to myself some more and until I finally I couldn't do it anymore. I realized what everyone around me seemed to have known much longer than I had. And then with some encouragement acted upon those feelings and hurt someone close to me who had encouraged me to do the very thing that hurt her. Because she had been lying to herself too. This probably doesn't make much sense to whoever is reading this, it doesn't make much sense to me either. It's a complicated situation that still isn't over. I'm dealing with the aftermath now. It seems to have gone on forever though it has only been a year and a half since it all started. I've had breaks from dealing with it and a long time when I wasn't even consciously aware this whole problem existed. But when I look back now I see all the signs and understand why I acted the way I did.

Now dealing with the aftermath, I feel like I've tried every possible thing. I've failed to do what I should have done though I'm not even sure what that is. I've got one thing left and I feel it's the thing to do. Nothing I've tried has made me feel right. So at this point what have I got to lose? All I have left is confrontation. I have to make this conversation happen because the person I have to talk to won't. At this point I don't know if the person is too scared or just doesn't care to deal with it or maybe a combination of both. But I have to do this. 
Confrontation: A word hate. I don't know when or how but I will. I love running when it's hard, if the run has been too easy and I've already reached my goal then I add another 1/4 or 1/2 mile. It needs to be at least a little difficult to be fun. It seems twisted. But really where is the fun and satisfaction in doing something easy? Pushing your limits and accomplishing something hard, that is empowering. So I will view this situation in the same way, the same way I view training for the upcoming 10k. 

Now to make this even more cliche, I feel I must disclose this whole situation, confrontation, drama, etc.: All over a boy. 
How's that for a coming of age book? 
Yep, I know it's been written thousands of times before.
Definitely a cliche.